


this ain't no place for no better man

by haipollai



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: AU: Bucky is Captain America, Mental Breakdown, attempted suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-18
Updated: 2013-04-18
Packaged: 2017-12-08 20:32:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,368
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/765708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haipollai/pseuds/haipollai
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>SHIELD flies in Peggy from her quiet life outside of London. They ask her about the man they found wrapped in red white and blue. She doesn't have much to tell them.  James Barnes is broken and even as two men, he is less then. He looks at Peggy and sees the young woman, he asks about the war as if it is happening now.</p>
<p>He asks about a promise for a date and she can only smile tightly and say we'll see, Captain. We'll see.</p>
<p>And he understands because he's late, and a real lady doesn't forgive tardiness.</p>
            </blockquote>





	this ain't no place for no better man

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [You're like white noise when I want my favourite song](https://archiveofourown.org/works/762836) by [lanyon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lanyon/pseuds/lanyon). 



> A sequel to [You're like white noise when I want my favourite song](http://archiveofourown.org/works/762836) by lanyon. **Warnings** still stand for mental illness and mental breakdowns, attempted suicide and later character death.  
>  Title from Short Change Hero by the Heavy

Sometimes he calls himself Steve and he smiles and fidgets with a pencil.

Sometimes he says to call him James and his eyes become haunted and dark. He withdraws from everything and everyone. Not that there are many to talk to. 

SHIELD flies in Peggy from her quiet life outside of London. They ask her about the man they found wrapped in red white and blue. She doesn't have much to tell them. James Barnes is broken and even as two men, he is less then. He looks at Peggy and sees the young woman, he asks about the war as if it is happening now.

He asks about a promise for a date and she can only smile tightly and say we'll see, Captain. We'll see.

And he understands because he's late, and a real lady doesn't forgive tardiness.

-

"You haven't told him what year it is?"

"We tried," Sharon pours tea for her great-aunt. The monitor shows Bucky's room, shows him pace and fret. "We tried to introduce him to the idea of it slowly, but we messed up with the set. He got depressed, almost killed himself. Since then…he has lucid moments where he seems okay, but he keeps on slipping back to the war. It's all we can do just to keep him identifying as James."

Peggy looks at the video feed and doesn't say anything.

"He is so fucked up though," Sharon sighs. "Was this man seriously Captain America?"

Peggy smiles softly in understanding, but the world was different then. They needed a hero and Bucky Barnes was who they had. "Perhaps you should have let him," Peggy murmurs.

"Huh?"

She closes her eyes, unable to look at the living memory anymore. She had laid him to rest a long time ago and she knows he should have stayed there. Buried deep in the ice. Allowed to exist purely as an ideal. A martyr against a terrible man. "Perhaps you should have let him kill himself."

-

They let Bucky go up to the roof under heavy guard. They think maybe if they let him see this brand new world, he'll start to adjust, he'll have something outside his own head to focus on.

That's the plan.

The guards keep a close eye on him, just in case. Despite Peggy's words. Sharon watches him and wonders if Peggy is right. If this is one thing that shouldn't have been dragged out of the past.

"What's your name?" The doctor asks.

"James," Bucky doesn't tear his eyes away from the horizon. "Last time I was this high, was trying to save the whole damn world. Made stupid promises to a girl."

"You remember that?"

"Like a bad dream." He looks away from the sky and turns to look at Sharon. His eyes are empty. "Did I do it? How's the world doing?"

She gives him a quick salute. "You saved it, Captain."

He smiles and lets himself fall.

-

"I'm alive."

"Yea, sorry about that, was ordered to keep an eye on the skies."

Bucky doesn't even look at his savior, just stares down at the ground moving in the opposite direction from what he wanted. His eyes burn and he's not sure if it's from unshed tears or the wind. 

"Name's Sam by the way, in case you cared." Bucky tilts his head back to look up at him. Sam smirks down at him. "Hi."

Bucky closes his eyes. He's never been very good at flying. He knows people who enjoy it (Howard Stark had his plane and soared above them all), but he's always preferred his feet on the ground. But these days not even the ground is very stable. Too soon, he's placed back on the roof top, the same one he tried to escape from.

Everyone has been cleared off except for Sharon (he blinks and she's Peggy and he blinks and she's Sharon), waiting with her arms crossed.

"So I know you're fucked up, Barnes. I don't know why or how, but this isn't the 40s. I don't have some uniform to shove you in but I have a damn point to prove." She's in his space and he backs up to get away but only runs into Sam. "You don't get to die until I give the order."

Bucky nods, he's always been good at following orders.

Sam escorts him back to his cell.

-

The doctors give him drugs. Things that muddle his thoughts. He never had much drive to get up before, only did it because he wouldn't disappoint Steve. He can hear him tsking whenever he lies in bed. _I'm the sick one, why exactly don't your legs work?_

"Who's Steve?" Sam invites himself in a lot. Bucky doesn't want him there. He doesn't want anyone there. He had one friend and let him down. Couldn't save him when he should have. He doesn't deserve others but Sam won't go away.

"They sent you in here, didn't they?" He's too tired to yell and get angry. (You have to be nice Bucky, Steve whispers in his ear when Bucky laughs at the kid who trips into the puddle.)

Sam flips a chair around and sits on it backwards, sharp eyes fixed on him. Sharp like a hawk. "Of course they did. You don't talk to anyone else." He leans forward, tipping the chair onto two legs. "So tell me, just for fun."

"He died. A long time ago."

He hears it as Sam sets the chair back to all four legs. Hears him breath in slowly. "You introduced yourself as Steve. When you first woke up."

"Steve is dead," Bucky repeats, feeling the tears burn against his eyelids. "He died alone and I couldn't save him." Dead while everyone watched. Dead without even a friend. He doesn't even have a grave, Bucky doesn't need to check the records to know that. He's not sure he'd be able to visit if Steve did. A physical monument to Bucky's greatest failure. "No one to remember him."

"So you…turned yourself into his mausoleum?" Bucky shrugs and turns his back to Sam. There is nothing else to say. "You gotta let the doctors help Barnes, they could help, you just gotta let them in."

He saved the world, it stands strong around him. But he's not sure if it was worth saving without Steve there.

He knows he was not worth saving.

Steve is sitting there on the windowsill. Some part of Bucky says Steve isn't real, but he smiles and Bucky smiles back. "You promised you'd find me a date, Barnes," Steve teases, his voice soft and fragile like the rest of him but still clear.

"Sorry, been a hard few weeks."

"Bucky? Who the hell you talking to?" Sam sounds nervous but Bucky doesn't care. He knows people tend not to notice Steve, he's so small, it's not hard. But Bucky will always put Steve first, and Sam can just wait.

"We have to teach you to dance first," Bucky teases Steve, hoping it will make him laugh.

He doesn't notice when Sam leaves.

-

"He's not going to be the hero you want sir," Sharon pinches the bridge of her nose. This has gone on for months, the ups and downs. Mostly downs. They think they have him steadied with the newest cocktail and this his system adjusts. No one really seems to understand what happened to him during the war. Only that it was terrible and according to at least one doctor he shouldn't even be alive.

Fury looks into the room, watching Bucky. His mouth moves but they can't hear what he's saying, he's not talking to them anyway. "Can you turn the mic up, Carter?"

She sighs and does so and Bucky's voice fills the room.

"Come on Steve, don't be like that. You go to this war, you're not coming home. We both know that. Can we stop arguing about this? I got tickets for a game. Just us." He laughs and rubs at his face. "Come on Steve, you know I'll always find a date for you. You'll never be invisible. Not to me."

Fury presses a button and gas floods the room.


End file.
